AARP For Ninjas

Is $20 still $20 even after adjusted for inflation over all these years?

You ever watch those awesome Ninja assassin movies where assassins seem to melt out of the shadows, dispatch death and then vanish just as fast? Everyone is left (those alive anyway) mystified! True embodiments of the merciless nature of the dark. They hit on some kind of primal morbid interest with not the dark itself, but what hides within it. But whenever in the story arc you come across some ancient O.G. assassin it’s like they still move as if there’s not a lifetime of bad knees and aching joints?

I don’t care how much acupuncture or green tea you consume Sensei, but I’m calling shenanigans on you, your weeping willow eyebrows, and the idea your hip flexors are gunna cooperate long enough for you to strap on your jika-tabi.

As a Chicken that’s well acquainted with the mystical arts of darkness and the unseen, I know what I’m talking about. After all, the extremely well known saying “Silent blades speak the loudest truths” was coined with yours truly in mind. I don’t like to brag about it, but its rare that assassins make it to old age. The money is good, the risk is high, and honestly? After a lifetime of the intercontinental hijinks many of us go through, the lure of a peaceful life is irresistible.

Then there’s all the updates. Seriously? Every year they come out with more and differently colored cables, last job I did I had to call technical support because they made each individual key of the keypad Bluetooth enabled. Who wants to spend time arguing with Brivo or ADT’s support line when you could be in Florida driving your bespoke golf cart with 17” rims to Costco?

Exactly.

Do you really think my geriatric Senpai is up to date on his training manuals? Absolutely not. He can’t even read the back of his ensure bottle, and you think he can navigate his way through an unguarded garden hose into your living room? Silence is our ultimate weapon, so once your full shinobi outfit starts incorporating New Balance sneakers and velcro, it’s time to stop.

Getting caught now is just embarrassing. If only Hollywood was respected the viewer enough to not stretch realism so far. It’s just how they taught us in “Corporate Ninjutsu 101”, you gotta manage expectations. Throwing the endless stream of Shuriken and darts out of the shadows is great, but these days it’s expensive as hell! It’d be just as if not more impressive to show off the Art of the Silent Ramen, where you eat a whole bowl of ramen without slurping or getting any broth in your beard. Or demonstrating the deadly Dandelion Strike to rid your driveway of weeds.

For me? I got out of the game awhile ago. It just wasn’t fun anymore. You’d show up at a job, ready to go to work and henchmen would get excited! Legit excited! Like you were a magician showing up to make balloon animals and make doves fly out of your tekko, then have the huevos to look disappointed when you took them out without a katana. Instead of the cold numbness I should have felt, when someone’s disappointed in you it just... hits different.

Oh well, life goes on, and for this Chicken there have been many adventures since then. But just so we’re clear: Once a ninja, always a ninja, and for your boy RC?

“Every soul has a price, but I take coupons.”

-RC