Screw water and the river it rode in on. Infiltrating our homes from distant aquifers and reservoirs through pipes with enough cholesterol adjacent sediment that is it any surprise that water mains break? Is it any surprise that fire hydrant water smells like grundle non dairy cheese product? We are so far removed from the simple joys of sucking our hydration out of garden hoses. Back when the forbidden alchemy of the hose delivered pure, wholesome water, definitely untainted by heavy metals and drug metabolites.
I bet the Romans are looking down on us from the Elysian fields scratching their laurel wreaths in confusion. The ones in Tartarus probably have bigger problems so we’ll leave them alone for now. Let it never be said that I am a chicken unfamiliar with mercy. I mean sure, they dealt with lead poisoning just like we do now, but they also wiped their asses with sponges and olive oil. 2,000 years ago, certain compromises just had to be made. Like accepting that there were more skid marks on those lily white togas than at a Nascar rally. Probably.
What isn’t probable is how bottled water is a judgment against a system that somehow allowed a viable business to arrive because its domestic water stores were just that shitty. And in the places they ain’t that shitty, not running a big enough PR campaign to prove the fraud. It’s like Spaceball’s “Perri-Air” was satirically foreboding. Look. I ain’t against the next dude making an honest buck. But how the hell does it make sense that you have an industry with a GDP higher than legit 50% of the worlds countries all because your local water company refuses to use a water filter?
How embarrassing.
Even more when some of these companies literally just run our own water through a Brita and resell it. Maybe that’s the biggest issue right? The late stage capitalistic excuse that pushed the innovative drive down the basement stairs without a Life Alert. Instead of saving money through fixing problems, lets make money by perpetuating and not fixing them. Then they can get an expensed boat trip to Antarctica to chisel some of the ice off and melt it down for next years new bottled water brand: “Unnecessary Largess” served in 32 ounces of 10% post consumer recycled plastic product bottles shaped like a middle finger.
Refreshing.
Equally as not refreshing as anyone who dares make hot chocolate with water. How dare you. Go look in the mirror, to you can see the face of someone who is the walking billboard of social entropy. I don’t care if its all that’s available. You better ratchet up triple the Swiss Miss to compensate. Four times the marshmallows. Maybe some coffee creamer. Maybe hazelnut, but look this is about your redemption, not my own personal taste! (Definitely hazelnut.)
The betrayal is legendary, someone offering you a paper cup of sweet chocolaty goodness, that ends up feeling like a diluted jazz cover band playing from the aforementioned basement floor, also having forgotten their Life Alerts upstairs. It’s not the same as a bad cup of coffee. Most people don’t drink coffee for the taste, except the ones paying 10$ for 2000 grams of sugar and a status symbol cup. But with hot cocoa? Milk or half and half only okay? Incorporate this lesson, people have been denied Nirvana for far less.
As a chicken who has battle rapped with many a great spiritual intermediary and archetypal entity across space and time, trust when I say this counsel is sound. RC’s got your back.
-RC