As a Chicken of the people, I prefer my disrespect served fresh, hot, and right in front of my face. Don’t beat around the shrubbery, don’t step on my tulips, and don’t you dare caramelize my onions. Just sell me what you got. If times are tough and you gotta shave a lil off to maintain the bottom line?
Fine. But say so.
Don’t you dare lie to me, and shatter the fragile trust that we’ve built over decades! I expect my 85 grams of generic ice cream sandwich to BE 85 grams. How dare you give me 70 and still charge me more?! This level of fraudery is unacceptable. I demand real ice cream, not skimmed milk byproducts and whole milk powders. This is confection based condescension.
It may even have reached the point that we need to take things back. Take the produce out of production and grow our own tomatoes. I’ll make my own Ketchup thank you very much. You ever notice the calorie counts are going DOWN? That’s not progress, that’s reverse engineered regression. Obesity might be an epidemic, but it’s one of the last things we actually have control over, you can’t take that away from us!
You have lotions putting air nipples up at the bottoms, new formulas that try to gaslight you into thinking that making it shittier is somehow to your benefit, and all of this for what, so that they can buy a premium new formula lube for you and your wallet?!
Like most poultry, we are not afraid of exploration. My siblings have aggressively colonized everywhere worth colonizing on this planet. I refuse to accept that this is the status quo. I think its time we turned the tables. We need to explore new ways to hit back.
They demand 40 hours? spend 5 in the bathroom. You weren’t scamming, you were “Implementing new protocols that increased waste management efficiency by 17%!” Refill the printer paper 2 sheets of paper at a time! That sounds a lot like “Ensuring optimal paper product utilization by 34%” if you asked me. Which you should, because when it comes to excellent management skills, I got them in spades, clubs, and diamonds, but not hearts. Because emotions have no place in this war room. This revenge is cold and calculated.
Maybe then they’ll know that we mean business. Roll those clocks back and give us the real versions of the reality we know, love, and take for granted. Because sometimes when everything around you gets stupid, the only direction to go is sideways and get stupid right along with it. Misery loves company, and I’m starting to feel awfully lonely.
-RC
You, sir, are a genius.
The ruination of the once proud tradition of lingering over a delicious sandwich made of wafer and ice cream was an all out declaration of war.
Call it a sandwich if you must, but we ain't buying it. And we will have our revenge!