Oh, I Got An Addendum For You!
Rude Chicken Goes On The Warpath Against Bad Landlords and Property Managers
Renting that new apartment! A time of excitement and new beginnings, a new home, loaded with gleaming hardwoods, soft carpet so your little tootsies don’t get nipped by those cold winter mornings. A bathroom that looks so clean! Plenty of cabinet space ready for you to stuff to bursting with your overpriced and shrinkflated groceries! But...
Did you read the lease?
Once they were mildly annoying barrier so your stereotypical absentee landlord could collect a check while hanging out in whatever “not where you are” location of their choosing. Leaving the fate of your day to day living experience in the likely unwashed post bathroom use hands of a property manager. A property manager who’s got so much buildup in their navel that the CDC has people doing daily containment checks so we don’t have another shut down. Or some bland colored polo wearing corporate casual shill who has a preferred brand of plastic smile they like to use when they tell you “Due to increased costs, your rent will be going up $500.”
Which is wild because how can costs go up when you haven’t fixed a damn thing? The apartment was clean when you showed it, but when I moved in it looks like a company of raccoons just finished filming exclusively studio 54 outtakes through the whole place. The water pressure is as strong as post nasal drip, and is that black fuzz on the ceiling authentic Burberry or did that hair come all the way from Turkey? Listen, if you were gunna screw me this hard out the gate the DECENT thing to do would be to expense me the fancy salad first. I didn’t sign my soul away for the next three lifetimes in that addendum to be treated this way. I can’t even yell “Jesus Christ!” because apparently that’s a $300 fine and 2,000 years of thong washing duty!
Sure. Yea. Ok. You can CALL maintenance, put in a “Request” but that’s all it is. A Request. Technically you can request anything you want right? Like it not raining tomorrow, the proverbial new car!, or the inside of your fridge to not smell like a sweaty, well ridden bicycle seat on a hot day. I was pleasantly surprised to find the request to make, I only had to registered with 6 apps, submit my birth certificate, and sacrifice a goat for the 12th verification code that got sent via venmo for a nominal fee of course. Did any of that make sense?
No.
But like many tenants, we don’t always get what we want do we? Fees for paying rent, fees for not paying rent, fees for having guests, fees for pets, fees for walking to the bathroom after 5pm but before 4pm? Its all clear though, right in paragraph 246 subsection Q of the addendum.
Whatever happened to paying a reasonable rent, and just being left alone!? If you want a nicer place? you pay a little more, if you’re okay with a roof optional, dirt floor kinda spot? You paid a little less. I got enough problems in the world I don’t need you nickle and diming me harder than Adobe’s endless popups or Xbox raising everything to the point that Playstation seems like a good idea. It’s like somewhere along the line they decided to become Feudal lords, but with khakis and automated voice prompts.
Prithee, m’lord, cast thyself into yon sewage pit ere I do it for thee.
-RC