First, let me set the scene.
You got your scented amaranth and oud candles lit, bubble bath piled high on a blisteringly hot bath loaded with more bath bombs than 1952 Korea. Winnie the Pooh bath pillow fluffed up just right, and lights dimmed perfectly. Pastel faux loofa soft and ready to cuddle up with that triple french milled “birthday cake” scented (definitely not flavored) bar soap. Some Depeche Mode spinning in the background, I personally recommend the appropriately foreboding “Violator” album.
And of course.
A box of Q Tips.
Mm hmm, there’s something particularly satisfying about leveraging out handsome gobbits of ear goo on those delightful cotton tipped spelunkers. A few moments of work, a few twists, a few deep giggles and sighs of relief. Way more giggles than the head plunger or wet vac methods, with a far smoother cleanup and less head trauma too. Ear canals so clean the 5 second rule no longer applies, with the added bonus of being able to hear colors.
But masturbatory adjacent ear cleaning rituals aside, I would be remiss, as a chicken who holds ear hygiene near and dear to his heart and nethers, if I did not warn you all about the fraudsters and charlatans that currently plague this highly specific and nuanced theater of bathroom operations.
Or more accurately, take them to task with fistfuls of indignant rage at the audacity required to claim they are equally as effective or enjoyable as the real rolled paper and cotton tufts of actual Q Tips. My indictment begins with those stupid false prophets that show up with plastic stems instead of paper.
Weak and flimsy, just like any ice cream brand that dares to label itself premium while being churned with skim milk and anything afterwards. You’re sitting there trying to extract your hard earned ear canal chutney and they bend. Bend like a yoga instructor with a terrible case of osteoporosis. Failing you in your most vulnerable personal hygiene moment. Paper is the way, no quarter given.
Candling? okay. Novelty aside this is a nonsensical idea. Outside of survival scenarios when you’re somehow stuck in the middle of nowhere and you’re not on a game show, or you live in a country with a third world power grid no candles should ever be used that aren’t scented. I mean okay fine, if you’re trying to commune spiritually with your dead cat via the Ouija board I’ll offer a provisional license in this case, but please extinguish thoroughly when done and remember to close out the board utilizing proper spirit board etiquette. No one needs to be possessed by a demon masquerading as Mr. Jenkins.
The demonic has very little appreciation of decency, or irony for that matter.
Drops. Of any kind. C’mon. Look, this chicken does not like the idea of using liquid to extract slightly more congealed liquid from the ears. I mean sure, doctors go to school a LONG TIME, so I am sure they know what they are talking about. But I am not arguing this point from a hill completely undefended. Because in this case? I just don’t like them. It lacks all the visceral joy of seeing the WORK. Sort of like how you always look down before you flush. A point of personal pride. A moment of “Yea. *I* made that.” Drops are like closing the lid and then flushing. No one does that.
Who isn’t a monster anyway. Don’t worry, Ill hold the choke point so y’all can escape, I’ve died on worst hills.
Sharp objects? Even my nonsense has limits. If you’re actively applying for Darwin awards, please do it elsewhere. Everyone wants their so called 15 minutes of fame, but if yours is trying to be the reason another line gets added to the safety instructions, I can think of a number of better ways to achieve infamy. In short, keep sharp and pointy objects away from your damn ears. Go see if you can get a Guinness World Record achievement for most pairs of underwear worn outside clothes the longest.
Why are those books always so damn sparkly for that matter? and how the hell can I buy them for $3.99 at like Marshall’s, but my college textbooks cost $300 and a kidney? Oh it’s the ink and paper they say. Sure it is. I see how much ink and paper grocery stores and junk mailers stuff my mailbox with each week. I reject this parity.
I’m gunna go clean my ears to calm down. I’ll see y’all in 15 minutes.
-RC