You ever find yourself sitting somewhere minding your own business, cooking up some fresh creamed corn or leisurely making balloon animal molds out of tin foil, and it dawns on you that God might just… really hate humanity? I’m not talking about your run of the mill, generic hate. I’m implying a major, deeply held, real like… primordial kind of non plussing here. You don’t got to look that far to see the justification for my reasoning. Just go to your local overpriced grocery store. Order some buffalo wings. Get some over salted reduced sodium chicken noodle. Or mingle among the other wilted vegetables hanging out in the graveyard of the produce drawer in your fridge. You’ll see it.
No?
Lemme help.
It’s the damn Celery.
Celery. Beloved by everyone who’s ever tried to make less of themselves, this stalky tree like abomination stands as definitive proof that the divine holds us in contempt. Its watery, tastes like lapses in judgement, and looks like it belongs growing out of bat guano in the caves underneath Weight Watchers.
It’s an anemic green fraud. Dares to stand from its soap box proclaiming its low calorie virtues like some kind of vegetal Evangelist! Only to find that very soap box is full of ranch dressing, peanut butter, and raisins. Sure, it may be negative 5 calories a serving, but it doesn’t stay that way long after it’s bathed in all the high calorie accoutrements to make it worth eating in the first place. Peanut butter, creamed cheese, blue cheese, …Ranch. Sure, it goes well with ranch. Everything goes well with ranch. And not everything has you picking strings out of your teeth for days afterwards, like you just went to an all you can eat thong buffet.
Mmmm.
Peppery.
Either way every day you try to make it work in your daily culinary itinerary and succeed is like a pyrrhic victory. You successfully lie to yourself about how good you’re doing, while proving God right about how insufferable you are. Imagine standing before St. Peter having to defend yourself for your sins against the firmament because you voluntarily ate and enjoyed celery? You think ants on a log is gunna save you? No.
So repent and maybe start eating carrots. Look, I don’t profess to know how any of this works alright? I’m just saying that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and everyone can use a little extra beta-carotene.
Bon Appetit.
-RC