This Microwave better shut its mouth when it’s talking to me!

An extensive inventory of the behavioral patterns of common kitchen appliances.

You’ve been there.

All you wanted was the controlled disappointment of leftovers after a long day of doing… whatever it is you do.

Three minutes, forty-five seconds.

You busy yourself while you wait, we both know your ADHD brain isn’t going to allow you to stand there for the whole 225 seconds.

Next thing you know that holier than thou microwave is bitching at you from across the house, DEMANDING your attention.

As if its stupid double chirp is cussing you out for having the unbridled gall in not giving it the attention it feels like it deserves.

I’m sorry, are you feeling inadequate because the air fryer is stealing your market share? A little butt hurt because you aren’t the lord and ruler of the kitchen appliance mafia anymore?

Why don’t you dial it back like Mr. Crockpot? Look at him. Sitting in the corner. He’s just happy to be here, with his stale ass 1970s “Country Kitchen” design, looking like that nerd showing up to prom alone in his grandpa’s finest.

Or the fridge? Now that is a TRUE soldier—standing on business!

So give us a minute will you? Take a damn number and wait your turn, and shut your mouth while you do it. Didn’t bust my ass all day in the 9 to 5 salt mines to come home to a lecture on attentiveness by a codpiece of a machine that peaked in the 90s and whose only skill is making food worse.

Go eat a fork.

-RC