Why We’re All Depressed: Blame the 1960’s.
Rude Chicken uncovers the REAL conspiracy behind it all.
Listen. This ain’t gunna be what you think it is.
I’m not gunna talk about the Cuban Missile Crisis Part 1, nor am I gunna talk about JFK, or the Civil Rights movement, Shit, this isn’t even about the grumblings of Vietnam or how the seeds of distrust against the US Govt by the proletariat were sown during that time. Nah. And forget the Beatles.
Overrated.
The fact that Lennon thought that Yoko could sing pretty much discredits the entire discography.
No.
What none of you realize is that the real act that continues to destroy the collective human psyche even to this day?
Fun sized candy.
Sure it seemed fun at first, “Oh Look, It’s like a regular candy bar but tiny!” All the lil bodega’s selling single cigarettes now had additional draws for your pocket change. You could bring candy into work in acceptably small packages so Gladys and Todd didn’t have to worry about ruining their diet, or the candy bowl in HR could at least give ya a lil dollop of sugary endorphins while disenfranchising you through a noose of fine print and “anonymous” workplace surveys.
But what did it really COST? It isn’t about the sugar, or the fact that it immediately led to Halloween being a representative of what caste neighborhood you trick-o-treated in “They got the full sized candy bars down there!” It’s that we subtly accepted less as “cute” and paved the way to king sized candy bars being $5 now, and regular sized being sold 2 for $4 as some kind of deal. Did M&M Mars know what they were doing then? Did they have some master 25-50-100 year plan for the downfall of confectionery America?
I don’t know. But where there’s smoke, there’s fire, and where there’s fire, there better be Jumbo puffed Marshmallows, because I’m not taking any s’more of this nonsense. Btw. you ever notice that there are no fun sized containers of Marshmallows? Exactly. And the reason is because Marshmallows are glorious pieces of the historical past that not even the greater monied interests dare blaspheme. No, not the crap they made in 2000 BC, I’m talking the modern gooey treat they invented in the 1800s. Thank you France.
Anyway, the “fun sized” insult is made worse by the fact that it doesn’t even add to the fun of anything. Just more tiny wrappers, more micro plastics, more calories and more numbers on our waistlines because it isn’t 1 or 2 candy bars, it’s an entire bag of tiny packages all over your desk, your pockets and now touching thighs. Sold 50% off of the 50% inflated price after Halloween and Easter. Maybe Christmas. But Christmas candy is kinda mid so we’ll excuse that. Not many people are binging on candy canes. Even fewer are binging on mulch. Billions of tiny pots, yet, no “fun sized” garden mulch.
This is why we’re so damn depressed. We deal with passive exploitation year round, inflation aside, whether willful or not, but can’t we have just SOMETHING that isn’t trying to scam us a little bit? Like Arizona? Those paragons of benign capitalism might just be selling flavored high fructose corn syrup in perfectly 3 serving portioned cans, but dammit they did it honestly and kept it at 99 cents the whole time. Which... likely means they were going hog wild 10+ years ago if they can keep the price the same these days. But—I’m not even mad, a dollar is a dollar. Good on ya.
One day, years down the road when our records are being analyzed by Cephalopod archaeologists, and anthropologists, they will look down at when our civilization really began to crumble. And they will point at a fun sized snickers bar, knowing that underneath that wrapper lays both a likely still edible treat, and the final coffin nail that doomed us all.
-RC