Al is a dick. I hitched a ride with him and Sam after getting stranded on a pirate ship in the doldrums of the mid Atlantic when Doc Brown decided to stop for brunch. Grog and salted cod is a crappy meal no matter what time of day you decide to sit down and self flagellate your taste buds. Anyway, it’s really hard to get up to speed when your entire runway consists of a gangplank 16 inches wide. Doc said I should go on ahead, and he’d catch up later after figuring something out. So I did exactly that. But after Quantum leaping to a dozen different realities, Al was getting pissed that I never changed form, and I was getting sick of his passive aggression. Even Ziggy was starting to sound a little uncomfortable after the fifth time he made an offhand comment about chickens being able to survive without a head.
I ain’t taking no guff from a hologram.
Especially one that thinks Hawaiian shirts are acceptable attire in any timeline.
Bescumber:
From the 15th and 16th centuries, “Bescumber” made “Cumber” official. “Cumber” initially meant to defile, but the addition of “Be” transformed it like a chrysalis of derision. Together they turned into a beautifully foul smelling butterfly meaning to literally “Shower with filth or excrement” Which is exactly what Al needed. Because seriously, when has a Hawaiian shirt not been a sign of exceedingly poor taste? Think about it, dude got to travel through time like rides at an empty amusement park and the best he could come up with was high contrasted pastel pineapples and khakis? I hope his next appearance is in the bottom of an Arkansas outhouse, where the locals can bescumber him into changing clothes. Besides. I hear earth tones can be very calming.
Lubberwort:
Okay. So... sure, a new way to call someone “idle” and “sluggish.” Related to some great fabled but non existent “weed” that when consumed would steal someones weekend and leave them couch ridden. Presumably with a 2 liter of mountain dew and 5 bags of Doritos. I guess people dreamed of the devil grass earlier than we thought, because the 16th century English were calling out stoners even then! Wait... if Jamaica got colonized by the British in what? 1655 was it? Maybe they ergot poisoned themselves into a few tokes of manifest destiny. Imagine the joy those sailors felt. Queen sends you go pick up some sugarcane, and on your way back you discover those seas were a big higher than you remembered. Now you can’t get up, or stand up either. No woman, no cry indeed!
Hedge-Born:
I don’t get why people throughout time have simply obsessed over birthrights as if it took some great skill to be born in a particular set of circumstances. This 16th century diss is just saying you entered this world of the peasant caste. Low born, like under a hedge. Beneath a bush. Betwixt shrubs. Personally I’d much rather be born into instant kinship with the Knights of Ni than any self important asshat who’d been parading the achievement of being the fastest sperm for their entire life. Like congrats, do something already, and while you’re at it, bring me a shrubbery.
Well, I finally got away from Al and his thinly veiled tropical flavored aggression. I told him that his fashion style is so bad it looked like his forehead was trying to escape over the top of his head. (He was really sensitive about his comb over.) Dude got all huffy and next thing I know I’m being dropped off in this super cute ancient Roman... resort village? I’m not a huge fan of olives, but togas are super comfy, and who doesn’t love lamb and wine, and freshly served theatre! Apparently in his haste to get rid of me he left me in a Mediterranean paradise! Jokes on him, I hope he gets kidnapped to a Men’s Wearhouse.
Anyway I’m gunna hit the beach, its a perfect day! If only that big ol mountain would stop smoking so I could work on my tan.
-RC
